Avoid These Countries!

BEAUTIFUL YASHKUL. THE PEARL OF KALMYKIA

I have visited about 80 countries in my life since I started travelling at 18 years of age. Some of them I have visited over 20 or 30 times and some of them just once. Anyway, it means I know a large part of the world quite well. I’m now going to tell you three of my favourite and three of my least favourite countries I have visited in all my years on the road.                                                         

                                                              THE GOOD ONES

UGANDA

Uganda, often called the Pearl of Africa is like that beautiful black girl with the big booty you somehow match with on Tinder. But you’ve never dated a black girl before. What will she be like? Will she suddenly start twerking in public? Will she try to sell you drugs? You don't know. You’re intimidated. But then you meet and within a minute of chatting in the bar she's making you laugh with some racist jokes and you’ve decided you’re now into black and you’re never going back! 

'PLEASE DON'T TWERK IN DON CORLEONE RESTAURANT'

Having had bad experiences on some previous trips to Africa ( by some I mean all of them ) I vowed never to return to the continent. Then Backpacker Ben told me that I should give Uganda a try. I went there fully expecting to hate the place as much as I did the other countries I’d been to in the region but it turned out that I actually loved it. 

By far the friendliest people I have met in Africa, makes travelling in Uganda nothing but a none stop series of fun experiences. I’ve met some of the maddest characters there and the fact everyone speaks the queen’s English and have a pretty based outlook on life means you’ll want to return again and again. Just don't go if you're gay.

THAT WOULD BE A GREAT DINNER PARTY

Beautiful lush landscapes of jungle and mountains, crazy boda-boda motorbike drivers, cheap, cheap prices ( food there isn’t the best but you can’t have everything in life ), good beer and the capital Kampala is a great party town. I loved it. Even the gangsters in the hood were friendly.

Uganda definitely deserves it’s place on this favourite countries list. I will return because once you go black you always go back!

UGANDAN DRIP IS UNMATCHED

VENEZUELA

Soy un Malandro de Petare!

Next up we have a vast country that few tourists get to visit but what they are missing out on by not doing so is some of the best people you could ever hope to meet on your travels. Venezuela and the chamos and chamas. 

FUTURE MALANDROS DE PETARE

I have been to Venezuela twice and it has a dystopian vibe like no other place I have been to with crumbling infrastructure, leftist murals and the painted eyes of Chavez watching you wherever you go. But that dystopia is populated by funny, resilient and open people who will do anything to help you have a good time in their country. It is also very cheap if you know how to travel right.

CARACAS. VISIT IT YOU PUSSIES

I have also been through some very difficult times with Venezuelans outside of their country and they never lost their generosity or good humour no matter how tough things got. Don’t be fooled by the bad press the country receives. Venezuela is safe to travel to and the country will leave a lasting impression on you with its Carribean beaches, rum and baseball. I wish the chamos all the best and cannot wait to visit South America’s most interesting capital, Caracas, again one day. 

HANGING WITH THE CHAMOS OF THE DARIEN

THE UNITED KINGDOM

This one might be unexpected but next up is my home country, the UK. 

The UK is like the girl with the rotten teeth and dirty shoes who you should be embarrassed to be seen holding hands in public with, but because she is funny and has great banter you actually don’t care what others think and you hang around with her anyway even though your friends don't understand what you see in her. 

'I THINK I'VE FOUND THE ONE!'

An absolute shithole in many parts it has to be said. Totally broken infrastructure, ridiculously overpriced, cities that are in worse condition than Norilsk. But the UK also has some of the funniest, most self deprecating and down to earth people in the world. A country with the richest of histories, the best music was produced here; Stones, Beatles, Bowie, erm Spice Girls. We produce cool gangster movies. Great football teams...There's a lot of good in this grey part of Europe.

BRITAIN. IT'S SHIT. BUT IT'S OUR SHIT

I don’t spend much time there now because it is always raining and we are run by politicians who are woke cretins, but I’m always happy to visit when I do and eat some fish and chips and talk to the locals in my local Wetherspoon's. Go and visit the pubs and see how a far a nation can fall from its peak and yet the people can still have a laugh about it. Just bring a stab vest and avoid posting anything critical about illegal migrants on Facebook or you'll stay far longer than expected.

BRITAIN: GREAT PEOPLE. DICKHEAD LEADERS
                                               

                                                       THREE OF THE WORST

COSTA RICA

Some countries you hate because of the food or the climate or the people even, and some you hate not because of the country itself perhaps, but more because you were just having a shitty time there for whatever reason. That was Costa Rica for me. 

I arrived in the country with Timmy after having been kicked out of a Panamanian prison camp which included being sent north on a freezing air conditioned bus journey for 24 hours. I had a terrible chest infection that made me so sick I thought I had contracted some kind of Darien jungle disease. In this awful state of near death I stepped off the bus in the capital city San Jose one evening and was immediately accosted by a beggar outside of McDonald's. 'Fuck of you cunt or I'll bite your fucking nose off!' were the very first words I said to a local in Costa Rica and it went down hill from there.

JUST AFTER THREATENING TO MAIM A BEGGAR

I spent a week in Costa Rica and hated every single minute of it. Mostly as I mentioned, due to my illness but also it has to be said, because of the country itself. It was the most expensive place I have ever been in my life. Just going to the shop for some toothpaste and a snack meant spending $50. I paid $90 for a week's course of basic antibiotics for my chest infection. It made no sense. The nation's customs also wouldn't give me my laptop I had sent from Colombia with DHL. I fucking hated the place.

COSTA RICA. BEAUTIFUL BUT SHIT

In fact I felt so sick and mentally down at one point that I stood on my San Jose airbnb balcony on the fifteenth floor and seriously considered doing a Liam Payne. The only thing that stopped me was I knew that my family would not be able to afford to buy a coffin for my body in Costa Rica. I didn’t jump, but it was genuinely a close call.

TOTALLY RELATABLE

Costa Rica you did not ‘Light up my world like nobody else’. I was too sick and it was too rich for my tastes. Nice jungles but never ever again. 

LAOS

Next one up is a country that people who have been tend to love and rave about but I just never got it. The little south East Asian country of Laos.

Laos is the beautiful, mysterious Asian woman you match with on Tinder but when you meet in person for your date she has nothing to say and zero personality. After 30 minutes you make a fake excuse about your pet hamster dying and you leave.

'SORRY, MY HAMSTER JUST KILLED HIMSELF'

I kind of feel bad adding it to the list because the people are sweet and nice and yes it is extremely beautiful there. It has some nice French architecture in Luang Probang. But the place is absolutely fucking dull. 

Nobody speaks a word of English. The food is absolutely terrible which makes no sense because it borders culinary powerhouses like China and Thailand. It should be awesome. And you can't even drink the alcohol in case you get poisoned. I was only there for five days but in that time I just never saw why people like Laos so much. It is incredibly cheap so that might be the answer, but what you get in return for that money is just no good. Vietnam is much better value.

LAOS IS PRETTY. PRETTY BORING

Also the roads are absolutely awful. What should take your bus two hours ends up taking 8 because of the total lack of investment by the government in the country's  infrastructure. A fascinating yet sad history, lovely scenery, nice people, yes, but a dull country that is a nightmare to travel around. I would not go back for anything. Sorry Laos, but you are not da bomb!

CALL AN AMBULANCE. HE TRIED THE LAOTIAN ALCOHOL

JAPAN

Ok, this one is going to be controversial. It is a country everyone seems to love and dream of visiting at least once in their life. Whole subcultures exist around it. Anime, sushi, hentai, yes it should be awesome, but I could not wait to leave.

JAPAN. IT'S SHIT!

But I know what you are thinking; Bald, what about the cleanliness, the polite people, the great food. Didn’t you like that? Well, the answer is yes, I loved those things about Japan, absolutely. It definitely has the best food I have ever eaten in my life. I would fly back there just for that. It is safe. The architecture and history are incredible. I loved that. But. Nobody tells you just how frustrating it is to travel there. 

'CAN YOU TELL ME THE WAY OUT OF HERE PLEASE?'

The fact that you cannot find your way around your own neighbourhood without getting lost. I spent literally two hours in Tokyo station just looking for an exit. It was Kafkaesque. Restaurants have weird rules you don't understand. Some places don't allow foreigners inside. And nobody speaks English so you can’t even ask directions and if you do ask, the people are so reserved that they try to swerve around you to avoid the question. 

JAPAN: SO CONFUSING I THOUGHT THIS WAS A MICROPHONE

Japan obviously has some fantastic things going for it but it was so frustrating finding my way around on the transport that it completely negated all the positives. If I spoke Japanese I think I would absolutely love the country and I totally get why people rave about it, but without it. Nah.

THIS ARTICLE TOOK AGES TO WRITE AND INSERT PHOTOS INTO SO IF YOU DON'T BUY A COPY OF MY BOOK I'LL DO A LIAM PAYNE